Matt’s Story
Internal Links
The Beginning - September 24
Update - September 28
Update - October 1
Update - October 5
Update - October 8
Update - October 19
Update - October 22
Update - October 26
OMGWTFBBQ!!!11 Matt Viet (also known as wtf616), a cousin of gang member Tony Viet (whose gang, The Eastside Social Club, has had a rough summer. They recently had their corner stolen by good ol’ Paco C.), has been a bad, bad boy. He’s gone and hacked a cell phone network (honestly, I had no idea this could be done, but I’m going with it as this is a story, and therefore Fiction). Shocked that he did something so stupid as panic and erased THE WHOLE SYSTEM (dork), he frantically calls his emo-goth music buddy, Trey Muncie (a.k.a. Omar Hakim. Found through shared iTunes likes in an email link from Matt’s profile). He of course, can’t do a damn thing (isn’t that JUST like an emo boy) but does tell Matt to sit down and chill the F out (probably just wanted to get him off the phone. I know I do that sometimes with my panicked and whiny friends. I mean.. oh my god! I totally CAN’T believe he said that!).
So anyways… Matt went and dicked up the cell phone network right as Alex Lieu was wandering around aimlessly in the cold, wet Californian mountains (ok, so now not only does Cali have earthquakes that threaten to send the entire state into the ocean, and wild fires that break out randomly because of drought, but now it ALSO has death rain?! I’m so not moving there). Poor Alex Lieu, if only some emo twit hadn’t hacked the cell phone network and totally deleted it, you might have been able to call 911 before you fell and froze to your wet, nasty mountain death. But ohhhh no. Matt couldn’t just drink alcohol, smoke pot and have unprotected sex like normal teenagers. Nooo, he had to hack a cellphone network. BAD MATT! VERY BAD! MOMMA SPANKY! *sigh* Kids these days…
So on Update Wednesday (September 28), we get blessed with a little more of the Matt Story (thank goodness. I haven’t had enough emo in my diet today). We’re blessed with a snippet of a chatlog between Matt and Trey (a.k.a. Tweedledee and Tweedledum) and we learn that Matt has to sign off quickly because some big white van just pulled into his driveway. Oh hell. My mom told me about this. That big white van is the Rape Van. RUN AWAY! Run away, Matt! No buggering allowed!
Oh wait. It’s the Feds. And they’re talking to his mom (awwwwwww someone’s in trooooooooooubleeeee…).
The Feds, led by Benito Rojas have decided that a little jail time will do Matt good. Kinda like milk, only less wholesome and maybe with some dirty dirty men who haven’t seen women for years. Ben’s got a meeting with Don McPherson, who’s hot on the trail of the cemetary killer, Kink Cooter. Er, I mean Coover(who’s actually dead, but I don’t think they know that yet. OH THE DRAMA!). Don and his other partner in crime fighting (aided with a little help from Ben), Phillip Kim, are on the hunt for the now infamous Navy Colt.
Will Good Triumph over Evil?
Will Matt survive a little Jail Time?
Will Trey survive without his emo buddy?!
We’ll have to stay tuned to find out…
Update Saturday - October 1st, 2005
Ohhhh Matty Matty Matty. Please, let’s just go get drunk in Canada like normal teens.
This update finds Matt teamed up with his gang cousin, Tony, to do some nefarious hacking deed with a cop car and staking out houses for future robbery.
I’m tellin’ ya, this kid is a poster child for Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America and every afterschool program ever invented. I’d like to give him a tetherball and and a helmet and tell him to go at it for a few hours and wear himself out.
After the hack with the cop car, switching out surveillance tapes for, I’m only assuming, Dirty Debs Do Baja 9 (that’ll be great with some Dunkin Donuts). (There’s also a .wav file on Matt’s profile this time, but I’m not sure what it’s for and the peeps in chat are ignoring me so you’re just going to get a link for now 
It’s entitled “Kiss His License Goodbye,” so I’m assuming Matty’s going to be in big dookie again soon with the po-po).
So anyways, the next day, Matt’s still being made into a *star* by Tony who’s got him busily trying to scam some credit card numbers off of the internet so the Social Club can have themselves a real excellent kegger. Some white cracker, however, is ruining his fun by pissing around with a server exploit that adds the signature of “wtf616, worldclass asshole” to anything Matt posts (damn. Can I say how much I’d love to have that exploit on a few people on the UF forums?). Tony, not liking that some smartass white boy has nothing better to do than twink around and mess with his 15 year old cousin (uhm hello?!!!! Pot meet Kettle?! Irony anyone?), Tony wants to know the dirt on this guy who goes by the nick of “Fish00k,” and I’m not thinking that Tony wants to invite Mr. Fish00k over for tea and biscuits. Oh no. Sounds like Mr. Fish00k might be getting some Eastside Social Club up his white meat ass. 
Stay tuned!
Update Wednesday - October 5th
So Tony has tracked down fish00k, whose real name is Todd Wachowski (we think. It’s hard to spell names like that from audio ) and happily goes about teaching fish00k about personal responsibility via some creative finger breaking with the butt of a gun. Ladies! Tony is SINGLE! How would you like to take this cuddly teddy bear of a Latino home with YOU!? Just dial 1-800-scary-dude. He’s all yours
So Matt’s busily trying to run with the cool kids and play Gang Boys Kick Ass, which, if you’ve never played, is very similar to that dance in West Side Story with the Jets and the Sharks. Matt’s on the street, chillin’ with his homie dawg Sam Ligaya (who is himself a current target of Kerry Tucker) playing a good round of “Is That White Dude There An Undercover Cop” which Matt is absolutely BRILLIANT at, because oh my god, i never would have thought to just ask the whitey. I would have totally wasted my time trying to deduce an answer by whitey’s behavior.
Matt wanders off after displaying too much Nerditude and leaves Sam there with whitey. Sam starts chatting up the whitey, assuming that the guy is from the rival gang, Mi Casa. He proclaims that he has absolutely no beef with Mi Casa, and is in fact, considering Community College now that he has his G.E.D. Sadly, after mentioning the cop working for Mi Casa, some guy named Nakagawa, whitey says something like “Huh, Funny Place for a Canoe,” which as we all know is the tagline for our 9mm killer, Kerry Tucker. Oopsie, no community college for you, G.E.D. boy!
So who IS this Nakagawa character who’s on everyone’s lips these days? Well, dear Harry is a Dirty Harry (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun. I’m even doing Clint Eastwood impressions while I sit here by myself. It’s sad, I know). He’s a divorced cop who’s working a bit on the side for Mi Casa, helping to get rid of the Eastside Social Club that the Viets belong to. He’d really like to retire in Cabo San Lucas and eat some fish tacos (OMG! OMG! What is it about fish tacos that grosses me out? And OMG can I just pause here and possibly explain why? There is this T-shirt shop back home in Ann Arbor that had a shirt displayed one day that said “If God didn’t want man to eat pussy, he wouldn’t have shaped it like a taco.” Add in the fish and well… you do the math I’ve been traumatized for life by a T-shirt and I’m unable to read anything about Fish Tacos innocently for all eternity).
But anyway, our little fixer-upper cop goes and has a quick bite with some Mi Casa wankers and runs into Don McPherson, who we know found Nakagawa through Kerry Tucker and an arrest warrant Nakagawa wrote up for Matt Viet. McPherson wants to have a chat with Nakagawa, but is parlayed by Nakagawa’s insistance that it not happen there that night. McPherson agrees and warns Harry with a smile “I’ll be in touch.” OOOOOO
So we’ve got a warrant for Matt, a Dirty Harry, a dead Sam by Kerry, a McPherson paying a dude to off gang members so that McPherson looks good, and some disgusting Fish Tacos.
Damn, what an update!
Tony, having smashed enough fingers to satisfy his little bully persona, following the purchase of some Cancer Sticks and a funny feeling at the Sizemore 7-11, AND after feeling that he has taught his little cousin Matt (wtf616) all there is to know about life and gangitude, has now decided to take his girlfriend Sarah out on a date (oooooo I hope there’s some drugs and gang rape involved. That always sells my dates. They totally get laid after a night like that). Since Matt’s still not quite done with unlocking Tony’s “new” cellphone (wait, isn’t that illegal?! Oh…. wait… it’s probably stolen anyhow isn’t it you BAD BAD EXAMPLE FOR AMERICA’S YOUTH! Next thing you’re going to be doing is trying to tell the kids that video games are good for their health, aren’t ya Tony? Huh?! HUH!?), Tony leaves it in Matt’s care, leaving Matty in charge of the ‘hood for the evening, which apparently involves a lot of message taking. Because that’s what gangs REALLY are - Answering Services.
Anyways, Tony’s out freak dancing sinfully with Sarah while Matt plays Secretary. However, suddenly Tony and Sarah are jumped by goons, and when Tony awakes, he finds himself standing on a chair, tied up, and with a noose around his neck (oopsie. i wonder what happened to Sarah..). In saunters BIG HAT (Big Fat) Don McPherson, looking oh so smarmilicious. He babbles for a bit, essentially justifying what he’s about to do which is, of course, to kick the chair out from under Tony. Because that’s what big fat meanies do. Not that Tony was Mr. Universe or anything (Especially not in those white old fart boxer shorts and the wife beather tank top), but still.
Don wanders away while Tony waves in the breeze (odd this, another hanging. Rather parallel to 1945, eh?) and meets his cronies outside who, though the light was bad, looked like Kerry Tucker and some other dude.
Meanwhile, back at the Ewing Ranch in Dallas, Matt’s answering the phone for Tony, talking to some dude named Toller Fazio. Toller’s got himself a pawn shop and now a Navy Colt owned by JEB Stuart which he got off of Johnny Deuces for a lame $75. Knowing that there are people looking for a gun similar to that, Toller calls up his gang buddy, Tony, to let him in on the deal. But Tony’s dead, Toller. Dead.
Oooh boy. So now that Tony’s dead, his girlfriend Sarah Trinh is having a hysterical dorkifit, which is rapidly becoming annoying. Especially when a good dosage of Valium has no effect. I’d like to recommend that she go take a long nap and maybe consider getting out of the whole gang hangout world, because she’s obviously not stable enough to handle the concept of people getting killed. Seriously. I mean, come on, she’s never seen West Side Story?! EVERYONE dies in that one. Total. Gang. Dead. Dudes. Even Matt Viet is getting annoyed with her behavior. Seriously. He shared a room with Tony for years, and Sarah what, sucked on the little Tony Lollipop and thinks that gathers her enough right to flip the shit out? I don’t think so. And neither does Matt. So he let’s her have it in front of everyone and stomps off like a big boy to his playroom where he doesn’t have to share any of his new technotoys.
Matt then takes himself on a therapeutic rage-fest, stopping first at the Clay Sizemore 7-11 for a Slurpee, an illegal cigarette (sadly, not weed, because that would have chilled him out enough to prevent the next rash of rage-itude), and a little chat with the Preacher man himself.
Afterwards, Matt whips out one of his many hacked cell phones and rings up the Big Man on Capitol Hill, Ben Rojas. Rojas acts all concerned and stuff, wondering where Matt is and if he’s okay (he probably doesn’t get called by his 15 year old Federal criminals often). Matt mentions the movie Catch Me If You Can (not by name though, because it’s probably too white and too erudite to remember) and how that one cop was always chasing that one dude who was playing with him (I think Matt might be trying for a literary analogy here. Difficult though it may be for a gang-related techno geek drop out kid to do). However, Matt does give Rojas an interesting tidbit of information: A cop was the guy who killed Tony. Rojas wants Matt to tell him what the cop’s name is so he can take care of it, but Matt hangs up before that point because he’s a big poopy headed teenage rage machine of testosterone-y goodness.
Next stop on the rage train? Pawn Shop Station! Matt high-tails it over to Toller Fazio’s oh so reputable place of business and would really like to collect that gun Toller was hanging onto for Tony. Not satisfied with the fact that Toller only wants to deal with either Tony or Ruben (who are, yes, both dead) Matt mentions that he’s the one in charge now. Toller again states that he has no interest in dealing with him and then POP! Matt gets a supercharge of anger rage testosterone (damn puberty) and smashes Toller’s face against the glass cabinet containing the gun, jabbing Tony’s Glock at the fleshy face and basically loses his shit all over the place.
But! He ends up back on the street with the Navy Colt in its case! Hooray! Anger, testosterone and rage save the day again! What a good moral lesson this is!
On the other side of the gang fence, Johnny Deuces is getting a little perplexed by the new Big Hat, Don McPherson. Hanging a dude is just sooooo disrespectful (huh. Odd. Hanging=bad, rifling through panty drawers=good. Innnnteresting). Johnny, sitting in his car making the speech of a lifetime to.. the empty passenger seat, decides that Mr UnClassy Big Hat isn’t going to be getting the gun he stole from Lucy because no one owns Mi Casa and no one owns Johnny Deuces. No one. (Is anyone else getting the “ooooooo someone’s going to be in SUCH BIG TROUBLE” vibe here?) Unfortunately for Johnny, that pawn shop ticket for the gun isn’t going to be coming in too handy now that Matt Viet’s Train of Rage has chugged its way into possession of the gun. But alas, he just calls up his brother and wants him to hang onto it for him, keep it in a safe place (This is so the “goodbye, Johnny” moment).
The Big Hat himself, Don McPherson, is having some personal troubles of his own, namely that his kids think he’s a Big Fat Anus of Dookieville. However, he is getting closer to the Colt, so that must bring a little joy into his manties.
We learn that another old arrest of McPherson’s was the weird and wonderful Lothar Barbel, Jew-hater extraordinnaire. Apparently, Lothar was the one who first clued McPherson in to the pricelessness of the Navy Colt and the diamonds that went with it (diamonds?! There are diamonds?! Holy crap! Thanks for telling us!). Intrigued by the fortune he could have by getting his grubby fatty hands on the gun, McPherson begins the downward spiral into obsessive research about the subject. Digging around in some of Lothar’s things, he locates a piece of information mentioning the shipment of the Colt overseas to Britian, where apparently someone was waiting for JEB Stuart’s gun but received a fake. A note included with the old letter from a later time mentions that the Patriots were working on outsmarting the Illuminati and slipped the gun out of their hands (*sigh* the Illuminati… AGAIN?! Why do they show up in EVERY ARG?! YARR! Get a new secret cult people!). Also in Lothar’s things is a picture of the owner of the Colt in 1929, some guy who travels under the name “Richardson” (See The Story of 1929 for more information). McPherson then locates the mysterious Colt at a museum exhibition about the Civil War, graciously donated to the exhibit by an “L. Brown, Los Angeles, CA.”
And thus the wheels of crap began turning in Lucky’s (and now Lucy’s) direction…
So our buddy Matt is in need of some therapy. He’s emotional like a woman with some massive PMS right now, and at the same time, is walking around with a mother of a gun. Maybe that’s not such a good idea…
Matt, therefore, wanders over to the neighborhood clinic/7-11 to have a chat with the preacher behind the weenie roasting cylinders and Nacho cheese dispenser, Clay Sizemore. Carrying a bag containing the gun, Matt asks if Clay can meet him out back on his next break. Which sounds ominous, but we’re hoping Matt found some contraband Prozac on the streets.
Clay wanders out back a few minutes later, which gives Matt the chance to toss the bag with a thunk onto the picnic table. Matt wants to give Clay the gun in the bag because having the gun made Matt go pukey. (Which I’d like to point out is not actually the gun’s fault, but Matt’s little guilty “I don’t want to be a bad boy!” conscience kicking him in the stomach.) Clay peeks into the bag, pulls the gun out and asks, in a strained voice, where Matt got it. Matt doesn’t answer that so much and quickly leaves, thinking that Clay was acting weird because Matt’s such a freak. Little did Matt know that Clay had already gotten rid of the gun himself. Clay, freaking out because the gun has come back to him like a boomerang, the universe playing some cosmic joke on him, recites some poetry to make him feel less despairing over the presence of the gun in his life.
Clay then runs home quickly and stashes the gun in the holiest of hiding places - his garden box. Again.