Corazon’s Story
Internal Links:
September 24 - The Beginning
Update - September 28
Update - October 1
Update - October 5
Update - October 8
Update - October 12
Update - October 15
Update - October 22
The Beginning
Ahhh Corazon Suarez, the heart of the story (ok, maybe not, but I felt the need to show off my Spanish prowess. Which is non-existant BUT not the point). Following a photoshoot with her boyfriend, Victor (which for some reason required the gun that she nonchallantly stuck in her purse afterwards?! Sickos.), the voluptuous Hispanic beauty first arrived on the scene when Paco (Paco Paco Bo-Bacco, Banana-fanna Fo-Facco!) was in the process of robbing the convenience store that Clay works at. After exploding a giant, economy sized bag of pork rinds at Paco’s head with a bullet, she pulled her Charlie’s Angels routine and ran him off (however, as we know, Paco then got offed by the Cigarette dude with the oddly placed canoe. Sigh.). Casually wiping the DingDong remains off her face (ohhh DingDongs. Love that white, gooby frosting center.), she shook hands and introduced herself to Clay, who mistook her for an anarchist, but no, she’s just a Starbucks hating Catholic. Because that’s somehow better. I don’t get it. What is so wrong about Starbucks?! Who doesn’t love a tasty, frothy Frappachino?! Or a lovely, warm hazelnut latte?! Freaks!
Where was I… oh. Story.
On Update Wednesday (September 28), players unlocked a little information about Corazon by playing poker with Paco. Corazon went back to Vic’s place, not seeing Vic’s car out front. He’s been gone a week and she’s beginning to worry (le DUH! Maybe you could have started that a little sooner, hmmm?). She checked the answering machine, hearing only messages from work and the increasingly pissed off messages from herself. She hears something, whirrs around and sees only the cat (dude. Do NOT want to see that cat’s shitter box. That thing has got to be full and stanky. Someone get the scooper out!). Flattening her ass on the couch and a copy of Fast, Cheap and Out of Control (actually, that’s a bizarre, yet interesting documentary about these bizarre little dorky dudes who have obsessive, bizarre professions. Like one dude makes extremely articulated robots that move and act like ants. And another one? Yeah, he’s a topiary gardener. And then there’s a Lion Tamer and a Mole Rat Expert. And we think WE’RE dorky. HAH! I Netflixed it. You should too!), she asks the cat (like he’s going to respond) “where the hell is Vic?” and then sobs like a little girl. A little Starbucks, Frappachino hating girl. See? I bet there she’s wishing she had a soothing, comforting Starbucks hot chocolate right then 
ANYWAYS, we also got a teaser picture from what must have been the photoshoot she had with her documentary-loving/making boyfriend who’s missing and left his cat to eat its own poop for a week. This picture led thunderclap to Flickr, where he discovered the account that the pictures were under, belonging to none other than Victor (whoa! Tasteful? Holy dookies Batman!). This led to the discovery of Vic’s profile on LCP.
Here, we find a lovely video, where we see Vic out in the desert talking to some scruffy, blonde dude smoking a cigarette (*ding ding ding* Cigarette man!). And once again Mssr. Cigarette! pulls the “omg, funny place for a canoe” line and shoots Vic, who falls for it and looks, in the head (duh, Vic! You’re in the desert! Talking to a guy who’s very obviously holding a gun. Why on EARTH would you think “oh canoe?!” DUH).
So at the end of Update Wednesday, we have Corazon wanting a frothy hot chocolate to mask the smell of cat urine, and Victor dead in the desert thanks to fake canoe. What else could go wrong?
Update Saturday - October 1st, 2005
Saturday gives us a little insight into the fate of dear Victor with an update on his profile with some pictures and the story of the killer (el cigaretto) dumping Victor’s body in a dump truck (heh. dump. I love that word.) prior to hightailing it to Vegas. Of course, El Cigaretto did the really classy bit of stealing Victor’s hat (dude. a dead guy’s hat?! and you think that’s LUCKY? Freak!), and then promptly losing it later that night while stumbling around drunk off his fool ass. Happy for us though, as UF Member Konamouse and Konahusband trekked over to the hotel El Cigaretto was staying at and rescued Victor’s hat (Cool swag!).
Corazon, meanwhile, has given up on Victor and has headed over to her parents’ house (ok, please pause while I ask who the CRAP is taking care of the cat?!) for some dinner. There she gets into a bit of a row (I’ve been hanging out with Brits ) with her mother over Victor, her modeling “career” and the fact that she’s a secretary and some other man’s servant.
I’m crying on the inside.
Goddamn, go get the cat!
Update Wednesday - October 5th
Our lovely Corazon gets a visit from El Cigaretto (you know, the nice boy that killed her boyfriend with a fake canoe), who gives her a safety deposit box key from Victor. She asks who he is and if Victor is okay, and El Cigaretto says his name is Kerry and that Vic is fine (or something). She gives Kerry her card and asks him to call her if he sees Vic. Hmm, not sure that was a good idea, Corazon. But who knows, maybe you’ll be the woman to love Kerry straight!
Did I call it or did I call it? We finally discovered Kerry’s last name (Tucker) and therefore his profile (why are there always hot ARG girls and no hot ARG men? I really must request some sexy studs for my gaming pleasure). There we find him trying to type up a letter to Corazon (awwww my heart skips a fluttering beat!) - only he gets stuck after the hello.
Instead, he decides to take a moment to free-form a bit from his past. Bullied as a kid for having a stutter, Tucker started his life of getting even after some little shit on the playground broke Kerry’s finger (yowsa). After a number of schoolyard fights, Kerry decides he’s a bit of a bad egg and should join the army so that he can then have a good excuse to hurt people. And have funner toys to do it with.
After serving in Desert Storm, he returns home, buys a nine millimeter and shoots his step-father (hmm, perhaps some early childhood abuse from step-daddy?) and hasn’t stuttered since. He has, however, continued his bad habit of shooting people.
Instead of keeping this little bit of interesting autobiography around for when he gets older, Kerry burns it into chargrilled misery. hooray!
It also appears that Kerry has a new target, having offed all of our original characters, named Ligaya.
Wondering where Kerry might have gotten all these targets? Me too, but I think I have an idea 
On our marvelous U.S. Marshall Don McPherson’s page, we have a tidbit from his journal from 2000. It appears that during his career as a Marshall, McPherson had enough evidence at one point to pull in Kerry Tucker for the killing of his step-father. He tracks Kerry down to a fishing dock where Kerry snags a big catfish, and remembers back to seeing Kerry’s medical records of his childhood from the time the step-father joined the family - breaks and burns that piled on yearly. Mmmm now that’s the kind of family that just chaps your ass with joy. I can’t wait for my yearly Christmas present of lumpy coal used for stoning.
When Kerry asks if McPherson is taking him in, McPherson - having been bitten by the big nasty fish - says that he has another plan. Oooooo! Perhaps Kerry is McPherson’s hired gun, tracking down random gang members and other targets McPherson wants out of his way to decrease the crime wave, get what he wants, and make himself look goooooood. In what I’m guessing to be a phone conversation between Kerry and McPherson, McPherson makes reference to the drug dealers quaking in their boots, the old guy (who had no complications), and Kerry mentions that during his recent appointment, someone said there was a cop who potentially has ties to gangs - dun dun DUUUUUN - by the name of Nakagawa.
McPherson does some good old fashioned detective work (I’m glad my taxes are going to such worthy causes!) and hunts down an arrest warrant applied for by a Harry Nakagawa for our buddy Matt Viet :O
OH NOES MATT! Run to Canada!
*ScarpeGrosse works the “bow chikka bow bow” music* So the sex-o-matic 9mm Kerry leaves a note on the windshield:
Dear Corazon, You seemed really upset the other day (DUH). If you want someone to go with you when you open the safe deposit box, I could drive you there. I’ll stop by.
-Kerry
Awwwwwwww he’s so SWEET! He didn’t even suggest a canoe trip!
Corazon takes Kerry up on his offer (This is so the beginning of a beautiful thing… I see a stint on The Newlywed Game for these two), and off they trot to the bank to get the safe deposit box open with the key Kerry got from the now Dead Victor and gave to Corazon. Inside of the box, Corazon discovers a big wad of brown envelopes, the one on top with her name on it, filled with pictures and negatives from she and Victor’s last photo session. Corazon realizes that she has the key because Victor knew he wasn’t coming back (oh noes! she gets it!) and starts to freak out just as Kerry picks up some of the photos and looks at them appreciatively (oh you DAWG, Kerry! That’s right! You move in there for the rebound!) with a hint of suprise (yes Kerry, Vic might have actually had some talent had you not KILLED HIM).
Kerry quickly runs to the nearest payphone like Superman after dropping Corazon off and rings up his buddy, McPherson, who he Quizbusters about Victor, perhaps because he’s feeling a little remorse (or more likely, that Victor wasn’t a gang guy like the others). McPherson assures him that bad people don’t always have tattoos saying “I’m a bad ass!” on their arms, and insists that Victor was a dirty man selling dirty pictures… of something… bad enough to kill him over. Huh. Wonder what those could be…
Still feeling pretty crappy about life, Kerry wanders over to Clay Sizemore’s 7-11 for some therapy, a Sports Illustrated and a Slurpee. Cherry Coke flavor. Kerry confesses that he’s killed a bunch of bad guys, but that he’s starting to wonder if his information was complete. After smooshing the SI (hopefully not the swimsuit edition), he tosses Clay an $10 bill and rushes out.
…insists that Victor was a dirty man selling dirty pictures… of something… bad enough to kill him over. Huh. Wonder what those could be…
To find the answer to that question, we need to check in with McPherson, the dude with the ugliest profile picture ever. Wandering over to check up on him, we discover that after getting off the phone with Kerry, he contemplates all those things he’s been doing… like killing Robert.
Oh and Kink, because he knew about Robert and the gun and Lucy.
Oh, and Victor, who was hired to photograph Kink to make sure he did what he was told, but came back from the job hysterical because someone had gotten shot.
McPherson picks up the envelope he’d snagged from out of Victor’s backseat, cracked it open and looked at the photographs of Kink’s botched job at the cemetary, opened a filing cabinet stuffed with similar manilla envelopes and thinks about how Kerry really needs some good ol’ R&R and trout fishing.
McPherson’s not done with his day yet, however, because he still has some business to tend to with Harry Nakagawa. These two meet up in North Hollywood and stop at a grub stand (food, not worms). Don buys Harry a beer, they talk football, divorces and the good ol’ “why i’m a cop” story, when Harry invites Don to his place for a scotch (Uhmmm pause while I have an Ehsan moment and roll up in the gaytes as I start to envision this scene as more of a pick-up line than a friendly drink *shudder*). Once there, Don looks around thinking how Harry’s ugly ass plaid couch says “I don’t give a rat’s ass” (Don, love, that’s called “Too much to drink” when the furniture starts talking to you).
Players were then treated to another phone call from Lucky, this time a recording of the conversation between Harry and Don. They chit-chat for a bit, Don tells Harry that he’s rotten (no, no Don. Harry’s DIRTY. DIRTY HARRY. Geez, watch the movie, dork), Harry mentions how everyone knows Don has a pocket killer (a.k.a. Kerry Tucker) and that he and Don are really the same person. Don replies with a bang (a.k.a. Gun Shot), killing Harry and then whips out the glorious line: “But there’s only room for one of us.” Or, as I like to spin it: “THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE! THE HIGHLANDER! RAWRRRR!” and then I run around swinging my imaginary giant sword and telling people I am from the clan MacLeod. Ahem.
Don then suavely rustles through Harry’s pockets, snags his wallet and finds an interesting card with Kanji written on it. Typically excellent work from the team at UnFiction snagged a translation of the Kanji to “Architect” and lo and behold, behind curtain number 3…….. A NEW CAR!
…. I mean, Card. Allow me to introduce you to Shawn Clevarias, one of the Mi Casa dudes Harry was talking to in the diner when McPherson first caught up with him. Shawn’s page introduces us to the “Big Hat” (which might I add is oh so attractive) and the information that there is a new “Big Hat” sheriff in town and he’s got a bug up his ass about a Civil War gun (The Gunniest of Gunnies, the Navy Colt) and a girl (Lucy Brown) and wants the gang to hunt them both down. Uh oh!
If we wander back to Lucy’s page, we find a movie of a Mi Casa dude (Johnny) talking to another dude (Matt - our Matt? Mr. WTF616? Is he switching teams?!) on the phone while looking at some photographs of… Lucy in the bathtub! And then Lucy clinking shot glasses with mystery man-hand (who some say might be Willie, but ew, I say, ew) followed by Lucy playing poker. Johnny’s asking if Matt has heard the news about Harry (who he didn’t really like, so you know, ding dong the witch is dead) and that “Big Hat” has some need for a gun and a girl… who looks suprisingly like the girl in these pictures…
The last we left our buddy Kerry Tucker, he was accompanying Corazon to the bank, getting a bat in his pants from the pictures of her Victor had left in the safe deposit box, and feeling kinda crappy about this whole “killing Victor” thing. I’m happy to report that little has changed for Kerry. Things are a-changin’ for Corazon, however, and I don’t mean as in new panties. Well, I do, actually. Sorta. Uhmmmmm oh we’ll get to that later
This week finds me thrilled to discover that the poor cat in Victor’s place that was last seen flicking the dookie clumps out of his litter box and eating the carpet is safe at home with Corazon, even though he hops up on the table in a flutter of crappy manners (Reminds me of my cat ) unlike Victor. Who had manners. He didn’t sit at the table, apparently. He sat on the floor and ate out of a dog dish like a good little boy.
Corazon’s chillin’ there, talking to the cat, scrubbing up her gun and giving it a nice, quality shoe shine and pondering Victor’s death (again). She’s decided that she knows who killed ol’ Victor and suggests to the cat (who has no name. Maybe I’ll call him Gato) that he go and sit on the windowsill and let her know when scary poopy boy who killed Victor shows up, which Gato does. Shockingly. Maybe Gato is afraid of the Glock, too.
Corazon snaps the clip back into the gun and waits, calmly, for Kerry.
Which of course means that he’s going to show up in a timely fashion. So Kerry, feeling crappy, wanders over to Corazon’s, feeling like he should tell her……. something. He hasn’t quite decided what, but eventually (after spinning the banana in his pants with a mental picture of Corazon’s tasteful photos) he starts spilling a story about his stepfather, who they called the Schoolteacher, killing his sister, apparently because she left the cap off the toothpaste along with a towel on the floor (THAT BITCH!). Kerry’s mum had a couple more kids while Kerry was off in Kuwait doing his military thing, Julia and Bernadette (Bernadette! *breaks down into some Motown Funk* Love me some Four Tops). Julia disappears at age six and Schoolteacher takes Bernadette out and shows her where Julia is buried as a “lesson” (My “lessons” usually involved a grounding or the removal of a Cabbage Patch Kid from my stuffed toy coffer. This “here’s your dead sister” lesson is some heavy therapy shit). As Kerry says, his stepfather “liked it when people were scared.”
Unable to stare soullessly out of the window any longer (oh woe. oh woe is me), he spins around to look at Corazon who is peacefully pointing the Glock at his heart.
Corazon asks Kerry if he too likes to see them scared. She reminds him that Victor really was a nice guy and treated her well and oh how horrid it is to lie to Victor’s mother about him not coming back ever (seriously, just let the old biddy have it and she’ll stop calling you. Gah. Who actually has a good relationship with their boyfriend’s mother?!). Kerry insists that Corazon put the gun down, as good girls don’t kill people (that’s right. People don’t kill people. Guns kill people. Thanks for reminding me, Kerry). Corazon starts crying and confesses that she’s not a good girl.
In fact, she’s not a girl at all (Jigga WHA?) - She’s a pre-op transsexual (Whoa! SOOOO did not see THAT coming) with an excellent wig and a fine use of duct tape and Nerf balls to fake some cleavage (seriously. It’s an old stage trick. And very effective. Just look at those Corazon pics!).
Corazon makes Kerry leave, threatening him by saying she (He?) will be calling the cops, and then she (He?) sits down to cry on the cat.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I’m officially speechless. Nazis, poker AND transsexuals?! Holy crackers Batman!
The next day, Kerry wanders over to Clay Sizemore’s house (since Clay was kind enough to let Kerry, the lost lonely stray puppy, follow him home) for another therapeutic confessional (Kerry, love? Yeah, there are REAL churches and preachers for this stuff. There’s also this nifty new thing called “Therapy.” Try it sometime and let Mr. 7-11 sleep in once in a while). Kerry finally tells Clay his name, Clay gets himself some past-sell-by-date 7-11 orange juice, they both prepare for a session of explosive diarrhea by popping some Immodium.
Oh wait no.
Kerry just starts babbling about how he’s always just wanted to do the right thing (urrrrrrr shooting … people… good?) and that he did it only because that rat bastard was killing his sisters (oohhh so everyone is your daddy. I see. That “Who’s your daddy?” question must be really easy for you. “Hey Kerry! Who’s your daddy?!” Kerry: “uhmmmm everyone! *bang bang*”), but now Kerry’s having some remorse. Perhaps he might have killed the wrong people (Victor). How can he make amends?!
Luckily, Clay is there to set Kerry on the path to righteousness (Kinda like Jules in Pulp Fiction) - As the Indians used to say (Uhm, Clay, I think we refer to them as “Native Americans” nowadays), ” if you accidentally killed a man, you had to take care of his family. As if you were him.”
And now pause until Wednesday, while I ponder the many ways Kerry might “help” Corazon and take care of her (Him?).
This week finds the worlds of Corazon and Lucy colliding over some photographs Victor took of Robert Brown’s murder. For more on this part of the story, visit Lucy’s Page.